My old scar

My parents bought their first house when I turned 14 years old. It was on a hill, with views of the mountains in the distance, a small, but cozy house. We had to give it up 3 months later because my father’s company went under.

We started moving around many places to hide from money collectors. I changed schools many times. I was good at making new friends, although when I got comfortable, there came the time to move to next place. We were running away from people; I couldn't tell any of them where I was moving.

My mother passed away in the following winter. It is safe to say we were experiencing poverty at that point. Our house --no, it was a shack-- the shack didn't have a refrigerator or telephone, the bathroom was outside, my mom cooked on a small hibachi grill. Always so cold in the winter, but my mom took us under her feather; I didn't feel so bad until she's gone.  She said she had a headache, and that's it. She's gone.

After she's gone, my family fallen apart. Just like that, I was left alone in the scary shack. All of us got hurt too much. I woke up alone, went to school and pretended nothing had been changed, came back to an empty house, stayed by myself, cooked on a hibachi grill alone, ate alone, cleaned the dishes alone, clean the shack alone, looked up the darkest sky alone. I slept alone, and then, another day started.

I kept wondering if we hadn't bought the house, would we be have been happier? If I hadn't asked my father to buy the house on the hill, would my mother still have been on the earth?

...I was the one who found the advertisement of the house. I showed it to my mom and she was very excited. So, I told my father how she was excited about the house. He smiled and then, we got the house in early summer. We had a little party to thank him. Mom and I went to the building site many times together, couldn't wait to move in. We were happy.

It’s past. It’s an old story. I can't change the past, so why bother? Life goes on. It took me years to think this way. So many words, thoughts, love from people I received, and those healed me. Thank you everybody who didn't give up on me in the darkest time.

You know, the cabin I'm currently renting is very similar to the house my parents bought in the summer. This is not in Japan -I moved to US, but still I see the mountains in the distance, and the cabin is a small and cozy place, sitting nicely on the quiet hill. I somehow achieved my mom and my dream house again. Oh I wish she was here with me, I almost can't breath, I miss her so very much.

I'm still a dreamer. Helpless dreamer of all, but I like it. Without a dream, life is too hard. Right, Mama? I miss you. I am sorry. I love you. I wish I was able to tell you all of these simple words when you were still on the earth. I love you, Mama.