Live & Learn, but Just calm down

I am working on my translation articles. It's getting close to the end, and I finally feel comfortable. It's been taking longer than I intended, but the hardest part was to start it. This article is depressing, but I have to fully understand the author's points in order to translate it properly. He is a pessimist and he is proud of it. Sigh... It's not my style, why did I even accept this job? Oops.

It was really hard to start. I wrote three words, I stood up (and I was surprised by me standing up). Another three words typed, I pulled my hair. Aw, gray hairs! I accidentally closed the editing software, oops, what/why did I do(that)?!! If someone called and I stood up to pick up the phone, then I felt like my keyboard and I had become magnetic poles, and both of us were like magnetic poles. Oh my, we repelled each other!! And all of a sudden, I felt like I was swimming in the open sea, my computer was washed away over the wailing wave, the weather got stormy. Oh no, the waves cry, the winds cry, the vast water laughing, AGRRRR!! I can't reach you, my Keyboarrrrrrd! *Panting* What was I doing, where was I?

After I laughed myself and enjoyed my silliness, I realized: What I needed was Nike shoes. Not really physical shoes, but their catch copy - Just do it!

I finally managed to start the writing, but I was already way behind my schedule. It has to be done by next Wednesday, but I somehow decided to finish on Sunday. I wanted to have a nice, fresh start on Monday I guess.

However, I wasn't fast enough (or the goal wasn't realistic), I was pushing myself really hard by Saturday morning. My breaths were getting shallower, fears and pressure arose, uh-oh, not a good sign. I was really panicking. I was getting miserable, I started blaming myself and the word "deadline" It's a really scary word, can anybody convert it to "goal line" or something?

By the way, my husband is working on a commercial fishing vessel. The Internet is dial up only, no TV, reading books is sometimes difficult on the rolling vessel. He buys a bunch of DVDs for his fishing trip (and never watches them again once he has seen it), so I use e-bay for recycling them. We have completely different tastes in movies; I just check the cracks or dirt and send them away. I don't normally remember any of the titles I have sold.

However, yesterday was different. I noticed that there were three e-mails from e-bay. Some nice people bought some of those used DVDs. Thanks, but not today, I thought. I thought I didn't have time to go to the post office, I was so obsessed with finishing my current tasks.

I opened the e-mail anyway, and the title of the first DVD I sold was "A bridge too far". Hmm. It sounds like the same feeling I'm having right now, I thought. A bridge to the accomplishment is too far. Yikes. I picked up the DVD from my e-bay box, put it on the desk to send out.

I opened the second e-mail. I sold the DVD "Running out of time". What? I turned around as if someone was watching over my schedule pad. I made a big sigh and then, I picked up the DVD for shipping and mumbled ""I know! I know! I don't have to be told, I am running out of time..."

I opened the last e-mail from e-bay for today. Whoa! I sold the DVD "Panic". This is uncanny!!! I put it on the desk, and then, I looked at them. There they were: "Bridge too far", "Running out of time", and "Panic" Hahahahahaha, I laughed. I got it, I have to calm down! Something is telling me that I've GOT to relax!!

I brewed a pot of coffee, and took a deep breath. I even took a walk. And then, I realized: it's not too bad, actually. It's actually easily manageable. Phew, I created a drama and I was going to be drawn... thanks to the DVDs!?

My old scar

My parents bought their first house when I turned 14 years old. It was on a hill, with views of the mountains in the distance, a small, but cozy house. We had to give it up 3 months later because my father’s company went under.

We started moving around many places to hide from money collectors. I changed schools many times. I was good at making new friends, although when I got comfortable, there came the time to move to next place. We were running away from people; I couldn't tell any of them where I was moving.

My mother passed away in the following winter. It is safe to say we were experiencing poverty at that point. Our house --no, it was a shack-- the shack didn't have a refrigerator or telephone, the bathroom was outside, my mom cooked on a small hibachi grill. Always so cold in the winter, but my mom took us under her feather; I didn't feel so bad until she's gone.  She said she had a headache, and that's it. She's gone.

After she's gone, my family fallen apart. Just like that, I was left alone in the scary shack. All of us got hurt too much. I woke up alone, went to school and pretended nothing had been changed, came back to an empty house, stayed by myself, cooked on a hibachi grill alone, ate alone, cleaned the dishes alone, clean the shack alone, looked up the darkest sky alone. I slept alone, and then, another day started.

I kept wondering if we hadn't bought the house, would we be have been happier? If I hadn't asked my father to buy the house on the hill, would my mother still have been on the earth?

...I was the one who found the advertisement of the house. I showed it to my mom and she was very excited. So, I told my father how she was excited about the house. He smiled and then, we got the house in early summer. We had a little party to thank him. Mom and I went to the building site many times together, couldn't wait to move in. We were happy.

It’s past. It’s an old story. I can't change the past, so why bother? Life goes on. It took me years to think this way. So many words, thoughts, love from people I received, and those healed me. Thank you everybody who didn't give up on me in the darkest time.

You know, the cabin I'm currently renting is very similar to the house my parents bought in the summer. This is not in Japan -I moved to US, but still I see the mountains in the distance, and the cabin is a small and cozy place, sitting nicely on the quiet hill. I somehow achieved my mom and my dream house again. Oh I wish she was here with me, I almost can't breath, I miss her so very much.

I'm still a dreamer. Helpless dreamer of all, but I like it. Without a dream, life is too hard. Right, Mama? I miss you. I am sorry. I love you. I wish I was able to tell you all of these simple words when you were still on the earth. I love you, Mama.

Splendid!

I arrived at my new home!! So long nomad-like life in Hawaii, hello Washington and my new life!

The house is on a hill, cozy, clean, very comfortable setting and with breathtaking views of deep forest and the Olympic Mountains.
This house is surrounded by wildness yet it is in a gated community, I have great neighbors on the same hill. I feel very safe. The air is crisp and fresh. Birds are singing for greeting to the morning. Trees are trying to reach the sky, standing tall.

Gradations of greens… gorgeous body of the water… clouds…. silhouette of the mountain in the distance… patches of blue sky… Oh my goodness, was it an eagle flying by?! It was so very gorgeous! Ah, there are 3 baby raccoons marching with their mother! oh----- my goodness!!

The owner of the house prepared everything for me… a new laundry machine and a dryer, a modern oven, dishes, linen, thick blankets, towels, a bottle of white wine in the refrigerator, and a Jacuzzi outside!

The wife of the owner had a hard time reading my name, I am her first Japanese friend, she said. I feel like I am an ambassador here (Oh, I am not a typical one, I'm under the pressure!)

They introduced me to their favorite car dealer and I saw couple of cars that I liked a lot. I am going to check out the cars.

It’s like a dream. Please someone pinch my cheek. No, please don’t.

Train and training

When I was in Japan, the train system was so punctual; they ran every 3 minutes. They apologized seriously if one of their trains didn’t come to the station on time. The announcement said ‘We are so sorry but our next train left the previous station 2 minutes later than our schedule.’ And most of the people complained, ‘Oh my gosh, it’s not my day!’ …I was one of them.

I moved to American Samoa 4 years ago. Everything on the Island was so----- slo-----w; the fastest speed limit on the highway was 25 mph; when they said ‘a week from today’ they meant ‘one day if you were lucky’; I couldn’t tell that people were walking or standing still. It was a tough training for surviving in the slow environment.

Then I moved to Hawaii at the end of last year. This is the world of normal speed. If people say a week from today, it means a week from today. I can tell people are walking or running, highways are real highways. To be honest, I felt 'Goodness, it is too fast!' for a while.

I met a Japanese couple today and they were complaining about the train system nowadays in Japan; it was becoming less on time, stressing them out. They expected me to agree but I simply couldn’t. Oh well, I guess the survival training in American Samoa made me more tolerant for train delays. Phew!

Penguins

I accomplished today’s goal earlier than planned, I took a walk on the beach instead of going little bit further. It was a cloudy day, not so many people were there around dusk.

I walked for a while and then, swam. The ocean was a mirror of the sky, I imagined my bed was the ocean (waterbed indeed!) and my blanket was the sky while I was floating on my back. Ah our planet earth is so beautiful. Is this a luxury life or what?! Thanks to the universe!

The color of the night sky came down to the ocean and I was getting cold, I dried myself up and walked through a property of the Hilton hotel.

Penguins! I saw penguins. There were penguins in Hilton village, here in Hawaii. I felt sorry for them. I wished they could fly…

I’ve seen how they swim in some TV shows, they swim like a bullet. Well, they don’t have to be able to fly, they can swim. I can’t tell penguins ‘you are in the birds family, so you have to fly!’

Anyway, there was no cage or fence or anything around the penguins, it was outside, although they were just there. The beach was 100 steps away from their place. They have no idea how close the ocean is…

I pictured them marching to the beach, diving into the ocean one by one… free at last! I saw that one of the penguins was me. Quack! (oops is it a duck?)

I was....

I was a dog. I was a cat. I was a dog again. A cat…. A dog and then, a cobra…. Or dog….. then, a warrior…. A willow… A dolphin……A pigeon…A sleeping pigeon….. Oh, I was just trying Yoga. I guess I like it.

I was a gymnast in junior high and I really liked it even though one huge tragedy happened. I was at a bar competition; bar was my favorite and I saw the grumpy faces of the judges. I started and then my step was misplaced, I straddled the bar and became a sloth. My manoeuvre made over 10 of the judges scream and sob, but I didn’t want to fall. One fall takes off 1.0 point automatically; I didn’t want to lose the point. I thought I managed to go back to being a graceful gymnast from a sloth, but my point was the lowest and I got huge bruises.

All kinds of memories were flowing during Yoga. I kind of liked it. I repeated that I was a dog…. I was a cat…. A dog again…. I was a cobra… (not really fun to be a cobra though….) ….. My cellular phone started ringing. I picked up the phone. It was one of my friends saying ‘surprise! Can you come down to the ground floor?’ I was still a warrior thinking about what she was saying? I moved to a reverse warrior…. Oh my, I remember I was born today! It's my birthday! Yippee!

It is not as it looks

It was 3:30 in the morning here in Hawaii.
'Tasukete (Help)! Tasukete!' Yes, it's Japanese; someone was banging on everybody's door and I was the first one who woke up (from the power of my own language?!) and she was totally panicking. It has been a long time since I last heard Japanese. Her husband fell and became unconscious so she was getting help, but she was locked out from their apartment room. I told her, 'don't worry, we will just call 911 and the security office here, everything is going to be fine. She seemed to be relieved a little bit and was going to pass out in my arms. Good grief! I screamed 'hang in there, lady!!' in English, somehow. I called the security office to open the door, and then called an ambulance.

When a security guy came and opened the door, her husband was waking up from his unconscious state and she started crying from relief. Phew! Her husband started scolding her instead of thanking her, he seemed to be fine. It's a typical old Japanese guy's reaction who can't express his gratitude, but lots of wives know they thank them more than a million in his heart. It is not as it looks. Complicated, but there is a strong bond between them. I adore it (not the attitude, though).

The sun will come out

I can’t stop singing ‘Tomorrow’ from the musical Annie. ‘The sun'll come out Tomorrow So ya gotta hang on 'Til tomorrow Come what ma------y!’ I woke up singing this and I fell asleep while my mouth was still moving I love ya, Tomo...rro.......... and I have to tell you, this is my third day of singing it. This is an uplifting song, I guess it’s good, still I am so tired of singing 'Tomorrow'. I have so many things to do today!

I am working on a big project with a good team. One of my teammates “V” wrote on her blog: "While working I notice a lot of me in my teammate... am I strange?’

I believe that I am having the same experience. I see a little part of me -a Crying part of me, a Trying part of me, a Having a good time of me-, everywhere in their mailing list. When they wrote about making good progress, I felt good. When they are facing difficulties, I believe the sun'll come out tomorrow (still singing, HELP!). I feel they are so close to me already. It’s wonderful to have an opportunity like this. We will work together for the next month or so and I hope all is going to go well.

Open up!

I wrote that I would buy a Kit-Kat for my treat on my other blog. My friend Heather wrote a comment, ‘you could do a little better than a Kit-Kat’, and I realized that I’ve minimized a lot of my desire over the year.

When I was living in American Samoa, where supply is so limited, I put many lids on my desire to avoid becoming miserable. I did it while I was there which was kind of my best choice. I saw many people who got so miserable and cried over what they couldn’t get. I was calmer than them.
But it’s over! I’m not living there anymore. It's good to realize that I’ve still kept putting many lids on my desire (shallow ones to deep ones), without thinking. Thanks Heather. I want to open them up again. Still a bag of Kit-Kat makes me smile, though.

Then I realized that I want to go to beach! I haven’t visited one for a long time even though I am living in Hawaii! I didn’t go to a beach because I was embarrassed to show my skin.
While I was in American Samoa, my skin was continuously beaten up by unknown spooky bugs (no repellents worked) and they left unpleasant dark spots on my legs. My legs look like a crocodile’s legs. But what the heck, I live in Hawaii, 20 min. away from the beach, what have I been doing?! The ocean will help my skin to heal!

A nomad with a fisherman

I just finished unpacking, phew! No, I didn’t take any trip, I was moving. I’ve moved many times and I am tired. My moving story started from when I was born. My parents were taking a summer trip and I showed up way earlier than the schedule. We moved to a small town instead of going home.

My father loved moving, so we moved many places. I thought I had finally settled when I got married, but my first husband left for another woman and I became like a nomad. To make a long story short, I gave up my precious apartment room and started going around the world by myself. I went back to Japan for only making money to extend my journey. While I was in Hawaii, I met a guy and we kept a long distance relationship and then got married last year. We bought a property in Washington.

Finally I’m settling (I assumed so)! But I was wrong. I was told that I shouldn’t move to a different state until my immigration process was completed. No one can predict when it will be all done; I can’t rent a room for the long term here in Hawaii. My states says that I am half immigrant, half tourist. Well, just call me a nomad for heaven's sake!

I just learned it is hard to be a short term tenant without green card in Hawaii; sometimes I am kicked out for big tourist groups. I am moving around almost every month.
My husband is a fisherman and once he is back to his job, he literally lives on the boat; nothing to be worried for living. I am so jealous.
A nomad married to a fisherman and jealous of him. Sounds strange!